for my war dance, and my rain dance...for any time that I might have rooted for washington's NFL football team or cleveland's major league baseball team...for ever having shown either of my nipples to anyone...for having eaten fried chicken and watermelon...for my christmas tree and my cross and my friend's menorah...for supporting the troops but opposing the war(s)...for my ability to recognize love between two people of the same sex...for ever having thought about sex...for ever having the audacity to call a young person of the opposite sex a "girl"...for ever having laughed at andrew "dice" clay or
the man show or watched the spike network or read
maxim or
fhm or
stuff or
gear or
playboy or
penthouse or
oui or
club or
cheri or for ever, ever, ever having been aroused by the female form, naked or not...for ever having been naked...for not having liked most of spike lee's movies...for having liked a few of spike lee's movies...for thinking eminem is a musical genius...for having worn white after labor day...for not boycotting pepsi and for sometimes boycotting god...for not always respecting the dead...for not always respecting the living, especially charlton heston...for maintaining that
ishtar is one of the funniest movies ever made...for believing that my country isn't perfect, but continuing to live here anyway...and on and on and on...in fact, i apologize for every time that anyone has ever been offended by anything since time began...and now I'm issuing a desperate plea to all the people of the world, regardless of race, creed, ethnicity, religion, age, gender, and/or sexual orientation, to just LIGHTEN UP.
